Angelina Nightingfail

Somedays I think the only Chris says to me more than  I love you is You're funny baby. To which I usually reply That wasn't a joke.

For example:

Chris is unpacking our new mini fridge. I'm sitting on the floor growling at it. I give it the stink eye.

Me (stink-eyeing said mini-fridge): Nemesis
Chris: You're funny baby.
Me: That wasn't a joke. The fridge is representative of my problems. It is my nemesis.
Chris: I hope you blog about this. Because your being really funny.
Me: Nemesis.

Or this

Me: Don't eat my left overs again.
Chris: Whatever.
Me: Seriously. I will punch you in the kidney if you do.
Chris: You're funny baby.

And guess who got punched in the kidney...

So I'm not surprised when Saturday night rolls around and Chris accuses me of putting itching powder in his laundry.

Me: I wouldn't even know where to get itching powder. There is no Archie McPhee in Las Vegas.
Chris: Then why do I look like this! I can't stop itching.
( He takes off his shirt exposing the giant rash underneath)
Me: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Chris: I can't stop itching.
Me: Why?
Chris: Because you are trying to poison me woman!
Me: No. I would take credit for that. And as for itching powder, it's plainly obvious I haven't done laundry in weeks.

So I wake up Sunday morning. It's another 100 degree day here in Vegas. And it's NotaBabyMomma Day for us. We like to celebrate this day by doing something our breeder friends can't. Today was going to be "drink Pina Coladas at the 21+ pool at The Rio".  But alas, Chris's rash has spread...

... to his entire body.

Like the good wife that I am I went to buy him some Benedryl. He is clearly allergic to something. Now to figure out what. Laundry was out of the question ( I'm not that good at being a wife). Plus, he had blisters all over his mouth too. Palette, down the throat, the whole bit.  Considering we had tater tots for dinner ( example number 2 of my bad wifiness) we figured it had to be the beverages. We have a gallon of Market Spice iced tea in the fridge and because Chris recently discovered The Pioneer Woman, we had a gallon of iced coffee too. And Chris had several glasses on Saturday...

...with sweetened condensed milk.

"How can someone be allergic to sweetened condensed milk?" we wondered. Maybe he is allergic to cinnamon? There is a lot of cinnamon in the tea. I dig out all the Benedryl creme I can find in the cabinets as well as some Vagisil Anti Itch wipes. He shakes his head at me. Here is my logic, and itchy vagina is just itchy skin! So it stands to reason that a vagisil wipe would anti-itch is arms too. "No," he shakes his head, " You're funny baby". I really was just trying to help.

He passes out due to the Benedryl. I read beside our pool until I could no longer take the heat . He is still sleeping. His entire epidermis is covered in rash so I did the best thing I could think to do. I put our table cloth in the freezer to chill. (We only have one sheet and he was laying on it)  Wrapping up in the frozen sheet/table cloth was fantastic for him. The Benedryl wasn't helping and since it was 100 degrees, it was nice to snuggle under too. He passes back out and I head back to the pool.

I text him from the pool to see if he is awake yet. He says the Benedryl isn't helping but I convince him that cool pool water might soothe his skin. (Plus I really wanted him to bring me my floaty. And a Margarita. I only got the floaty)

He is getting really concerned. He is afraid to eat anything because we don't know what he is allergic too. With the way his throat is, we are concerned with anaphylatic shock.

I looked at Chris very seriously...

Me: I will make sure you have an airway. As long as I have a bubble tea straw, you will have an airway. I could try to tube you with a straw.
Chris: ( laughing) That's what I am afraid of.
Me: Serious! I'm not going to let you die. If you need air I will attempt to give you a tracheotomy with a bubble tea straw.
Chris: That might actually work. The do have a pointy end.
Me:  I will dip it in hand sanitizer first and then make the cut. I'm a genius. I should write a first aid manual for city girls.
Chris: You're funny baby.
Me: Serious. People would read it.
Chris:  (laughing)I know. That's what I am afraid of!

True love is sincerely offering to tube your husband with a bubble tea straw.

Anyhow, he was still wretchedly itchy an rashy on Monday. He made a doctor's appointment is now on the evil Prednisone. He is still itchy and rashy. We are pretty sure he is allergic to dairy. Isn't that horrifying? I told him a life without cheese is more tragic than a life with MS. He agrees. He says when things get really rough he is going to eat an entire block of gruyere and hopefully overdose.

last night....

Chris: So Dr. Vesna is running my blood against all known food allergies. She said to stay away from everything I ate in the last food days because it could clearly kill me this time. Hopefully the steroids will help this inflammation.
Me: She should have given you an epi pen just in case.
Chris: Probably. I just hope we get the results back soon.
Me: If we had an epi pen and you went into anaphlaxsis, I would totally stab you in the heart with an epi pen.
Chris:  (laughing again) You're so funny.
Me: Seriously! I wouldn't be afraid to save you.
Chris: (still laughing) I'd be better off if you didn't stab me in the heart. That would surely kill me.
Me: Why? That's what they did in Pulp Fiction. I could do it to you.
Chris: ( still laughing) It's just like your injections honey, sub-cutaneous. Do not stab me in the heart.
Me : So you're saying I shouldn't get medical advice from Tarantino movies?
Chris: Yes.
Me: But it worked in the movie.
Chris: ( Shaking his head) No. Just...no.

But we did go to the Greenland Market and buy a bag of bubble tea straws. They are presumably for my smoothies but I think I will keep a few in my purse just in case :)