And for 372nd time....I'm Back!
It's for real this time. Seriously. If you follow me on Facebook you kinda know what's up.
I lost my job :(
I was part of a mass layoff in the region. It was pretty devastating. After we got notice we were out of the store in 8 days. It's been 12 days since I found out and I have gone through all the stages of loss & grief.
1. Denial - During the liquidation process part of me kept thinking that was some sort of crazy promotion.
2. Anger- I lost count of the times I told people "I give zero fucks. Do whatever you want."
3. Bargaining- The feeling that it's because I am in someway inadequate. I was involved in 2 of the 3 stores that closed. People put a lot of faith in me and somehow maybe I contributed to this failure.
4. Depression- This didn't really happen. I don't have time for that. Unless you count the upset that I made the job my life for 18 months and in the end, it was for nothing. Because that feeling is the worst.
5. Acceptance- This one came pretty quick. I was pretty much ready to pack up and go the next day. I didn't want to spend one more day in that store when I knew nothing good could come of it. I came up with a list pretty quick of all the things I can do now. Chris and I had some long talks about how this impacts us, how we can recover from this, and how to move on.
Here is the greatest irony of all this: four days earlier I FINALLY got the gypsy tattoo I've been planning on for four years. Four years ago I drew this tattoo because I wanted to incorporate my Mexican heritage into a tattoo that expressed me. I love traveling. I have a serious wanderlust and curiosity about everywhere that I never been. (In fact my only goal the entire time I worked at the store was to get to travel somewhere as a trainer, meet new people, and visit a place I have never been and it never once happened.) So I turned the gypsy into a calavera, added red roses for tradition, a spiderweb because I'm a little creepy, and stitches on her face because she is a fighter and she is healing.
The amazing tattoo artist suggested changing her hair to look more my like mine and boom.... Ginny was brought to life. What I learned was that gypsy tattoos are to symbolize looking into the future and/ or to symbolize living a life with magic. And well boom again... 4 days later I'm looking a future very different then the one I had planned.
So here I am, ready to move forward.
After a lot of talking and number crunching Chris and I decided that I am going to stay home for awhile. Yep, I'm going to be a housewife... at least temporarily.
The biggest factor in this is my health. I'm sure you have noticed that I never write on this blog anymore. When I do, I usually write about how tired I am. My baking job was laboring. My manager job was stressful and laboring. I devoted all of my energy towards being successful and would come home with nothing left. My schedule had me punching in at 5am everyday, which means my alarm was going off at 3:45 am. In order to get an adequate amount of sleep, which is extremely important in people with MS, I was going to bed at 8pm. Yes, I was home by 3pm most days but I was so worn out that would sometimes nap on the couch. I never wanted to cook dinner so we would get take out all the time. I never got to spend much time with Chris who would be at work until 8pm, and I'd be long asleep before he got home. My days off were always split up so I was always in a state of coming or going to work. Even if I didn't have to work the next day, I'd still been awake since before 4am and would fall asleep early. Everyday I thought about going to the gym but it always remained a thought. I lacked the energy to leave the apartment and go and my mind was always preoccupied with work related things.
This has taken a toll on my physical health as I'm at an almost record setting 223 lbs and my right hip feels ready for replacement and causes me to walk ridiculously.When the pharmacy last called to refill my prescription I still had 45 pills in my bottle. Which means over time I had missed 22 days of a 2x a day medication. It has taken its toll on our relationship also as Chris has a rotating schedule for work and it never matched up with mine. We would go days without spending any quality time together and we would be under the same roof! The apartment was a disaster with Chris being away for long hours and I'd be too tired to do anything about it. So while this situation came out of the blue and is emotionally hard for me, it may be just what we need.
So we agreed on a few things, the first being that my new job is to focus on my health physically and mentally. Whether what I have been experiencing is a result of my condition or being overweight, I need to correct it. As of today, I'm at 223 lbs. This is 13 lbs shy of the heaviest I have ever been and 25 lbs heavier then my weight when I left Washington. I've put on 25 lbs in 2 years! Recently someone I love very much was diagnosed with Cancer. She has decided that rather than undergo treatments she is going to "make better decisions". I like that. And as she is going through something more difficult then I can imagine, I owe her that I will do the same. I will make better decisions too.
So here is the big news I alluded to on Facebook... I joined a 5 week boot camp style exercise program. No joke. Monday morning I will report in to Kaia FIT for a 4 day a week program. I also will be going to Yoga 2x a week at CalFit. The next weeks I am guaranteed to be sore and cranky but it will be worth it I hope. This program is supposed to be different then your typical boot camp fitness class. It it well reviewed and I hope it lives up to the expectations. I will keep posting about this and let you know how it goes. Coincidentally, at the end of the 5 weeks is the 2014 MS Walk. Last year Chris and I finished in 1 hour 9 min because we walked the whole path in a heard of people. I hope to change that this year. I don't have a clear goal because I don't know what a realistic one would be, so I'm just looking for improvement.
I also want to make it very clear that I am looking to improve my HEALTH, not my WEIGHT. Weight is just a number and it's also just piece of your overall health. I do not have a numerical goal, I have a feeling I am trying to achieve. The feeling of being awake, alive, and full of energy. I haven't had this for awhile.Yes, pounds will come off but pounds will also stay in the form of muscles. I'm not associating a number with any of it.
I'm telling you all this so you will hold me accountable. I will be able to keep up with this blog once again and I will update you on my progress and my set backs, because let's be real here you know there will be some. Today I am taking a mental health day and heading out to Napa with a friend. Yep, I said it. I admit that I have friends here now. It took a catastrophic event to realize that I had them the whole time, even if I didn't realize it.
So here we go, Day One was yesterday. I took some before pictures in my new swimsuit and we will see how this ahem...landscape...changes over the weeks and months. And yes, as yesterday was Tuesday I went to Yoga class. I'm pretty sore today but I had a lot of additional energy yesterday!
That darn swimsuit is pretty cute huh?
