The One Where I Become an Angry Feminist

I'm interrupting this humerous blog because I AM SO OUTRAGED!

LIKE SO FURIOUS I HAVE TO SAY MY BIT RIGHT NOW!

Here is my disclaimer though: To my knowledge I have never been cheated on. But I have never cheated on anyone ever. Chris and I have had many discussions about infidelity and what it would mean to us (death) and I feel like this should be said:

YOU MARRY OR PARTNER WITH YOUR FUCKING PARTNER, NOT THE THIRD PARTY!
YOUR PARTNER PROMISED TO LOVE AND HONOR YOU, NOT THE THIRD PARTY!

Ugh. Sorry for the screaming. But my mood is elevated. Here is why:

Last week I read all the articles about the Iowa Supreme Court saying it is legal to fire a person who you or your spouse deem a threat to your marriage. I read this article while in bed with Chris and I read the HuffPo article to him and we both agreed it was total bullshit. Dr. Knight and his wife have used Mrs. Nelson as a scapegoat for what is clearly Dr. Knight's problem. We were both pretty incredulous about this situation. I followed the news story for a few days and was happy to see that most people saw this as an outrage. My faith in humanity and womenkind were restored. Until now.

Keli Goff, a blogger who wrote this article for the HuffPo has my blood boiling. Not since Ginia Bellafonte have I been so furious. Click on the article if you want to read her article, Why Most Women Agree With the 'Irresistibly Attractive' Ruling (Even If They Won't Admit It) without my ad lib.

I'm going to deconstruct this article piece by piece. Bear with me here.

"Every now and then there is an embarrassingly backwards judicial ruling so steeped in prejudice that years later it still haunts our collective conscious as a stain on our nation's history. The 1857 Dred Scott ruling in which the Supreme Court found that all people who look like me -- black Americans -- were not actual American citizens at all and therefore could be enslaved comes to mind. Another is the 1892 Plessy versus Ferguson decision which upheld the "separate but equal" fallacy that allowed legalized segregation to remain the law of the land.
And apparently in the eyes of some outraged bloggers and commenters, a ruling that allowed a woman to be fired because her boss and his wife deemed her too attractive is another.
For those of you who have actually been enjoying the holidays with your families and therefore have no idea what I'm talking about, allow me to catch you up. Iowa's high court ruled that dentist James Knight did not violate the law in firing a woman he found attractive, and his wife, who also worked in his dental practice, deemed a threat. I can definitely see the parallels between this case and other landmark discrimination cases. (That was sarcasm in case you missed it.)
What I find baffling about this ruling is not that it is steeped in Dred Scott levels of discrimination. (It's not.) But that it is getting any news coverage at all. "

Really? You are surprised that it is getting any coverage at all? For real? This case sets a precedent that men are biologically unable to control themselves and that we as women are responsible for their actions or in this case, feelings. Let's just add that to our Womenly To Do List. Right after Make sure you look attractive at all times. We will just add in *but not too attractive. It's easier for the men. Oh and comparing this to landmark racial discrimination cases? Get over yourself. There is more then one type of discrimination as a black women, you should understand at least two.

Here's the dirty little secret most of us don't want to admit. Many of us wonder about the attractiveness of the people our significant others work closely with and many of us inquire about it too (either blatantly or covertly, and yes Facebook snooping counts), and with good reason. According to the experts, nearly half of all affairs begin at work.
But the other thing I find surprising is that anyone is attempting to make a legitimate argument that this case has anything at all to do with gender discrimination. Attractiveness discrimination perhaps, but in case you haven't heard being cute or hot is not a protected class. (Sorry all you supermodels.)

I will give you that Keli. I know that most people wonder about the attractiveness of their spouses coworkers. I don't. You know why? Because I know my husbands coworkers! I don't have to wonder. And guess what? They are attractive. He works with several attractive and smart women and one of them has a very similar personality to me AND is attractive (dear god!). But you know what they aren't?

Succubi

Nope. Just regular ol' garden variety women who go to work to do a job. They are not evil demons out to give my husband impure thoughts and lead him into temptation. I do not want any of them fired. I don't mind when my husband goes on business trips with them. If my husband ever wanted to have an affair with them, it's a sign of weakness on his part. Not because of their magical vaginal prowess.

For all of those outraged that a man would have the audacity to fire a woman who his wife deemed a threat, let me ask you this. Would you feel the same way if it was a woman doing the firing? What if the employee in question had been a live-in nanny, and the wife fired her? Because newsflash, this happens all the time. In light of the number of celebrities, from Jude Law, to Ethan Hawke who have gotten cozy with the help, an article from the New York Daily News, highlighted some of the steps some women take to protect their marriages from the family's nanny. You may be utterly shocked to discover that some of those precautions include hiring and firing nannies based on -- wait for it -- their looks! Shocking, I know.

Whoa whoa whoa. HELL YES, I would be upset. I would be MORE upset if the wife was able to fire her. How can women say this stuff about each other? I just don't get it. Oh and you can't say in light of the numbers of celebrities... and then list two notorious womanizers.

But if the New York Daily News writes an article about something you know it must be true. They must be onto something. It's not the gays, the cheaters or the polyamorous that are ruining the institution of marriage. IT'S THE NANNIES! Curse you Nannies! You evil husband stealing succubi! You pretend like you are earning money to pay for college but we know what you are really after, our husbands. You drive our mini vans around, take our kids to tap/football/french class, you make their snacks and give them tylenol when they are sick and it's all part of your evil scheme to steal our men. Little nanny whores. All of them. You know which ones are the worst? The ones that come from third world countries. Those nannies have some serious commitment to stealing our men. They could come to our homes in sweat pants sans make up and cut the crust of our kids sandwhiches for us but no. They come into our homes in comfortably fitting clothes, do our grocery shopping for us and woo our husbands with their domesticity and extra attractiveness. They take advantage of our busy blow out and manicure schedules and weasel there way into our homes and our husbands pants. They must be fired.

(Hey Keli, that was sarcasm in case you missed it).

There's a reason that Lifetime Movie Network is filled with tale after tale of relationships thrown off-balance by a hot nanny or even hotter assistant or a hot male tennis instructor, because plenty of real-life relationships have been -- making it one of the ultimate fears of plenty of women, and men -- a fear that is not entirely unfounded. As I have written before, we as a society discriminate based on looks all the time. More attractive people routinely get paid more, so do taller men. But the downside is occasionally a threatened spouse may have Ms. Good-lookin' or Mr. Tall fired. Do I think this is unfair? Sure. Just proves life's not 100 percent fair for anyone even beauty queens. That's life.

I can't. I just can't. I have no response to any one who uses "facts" from the Lifetime Movie Network as a credible source in their argument.

But did you ever stop to think that the propagnda of the Lifetime Movie Network is what plants all these fears in our heads in the first place?

I think the real reason the Iowa case has captured national attention is because when most of us find out our boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife is working or maybe even traveling regularly, with someone who makes us feel insecure either because of his or her super-good looks or because of an emotional connection we sense our significant other is developing with that person, we are powerless to do anything about it. We may complain to our girlfriends or our moms, and cross our fingers and say a prayer that the person we are in a relationship with is as honest, and trustworthy as we have always hoped. And then maybe we hit the gym a little harder or try to spice things up at home a little more. But this wife did something most of us don't have the power to do. She had the woman fired. It may have made her ripe for national ridicule but guess what? Her marriage is still in tact. I wonder how many women -- from Sienna Miller to the countless others who have found themselves usurped by an attractive person, male or female -- who worked super close with a significant other would rather be ridiculed and still coupled, versus the alternative.
The fired dental assistant certainly has my sympathies. But if she's as attractive as the dentist, his wife and the seven justices seem to think she is, then she will be fine professionally. Now if she weren't "irresistibly attractive" she might have more to worry about. Further proof that life is not fair, but not everything that is unfair warrants a lawsuit.

I'll be the first to say it. Her marriage is NOT intact. You are wrong. Her marriage is just a piece of paper. The seed of infidelity is not in the third party. It's in her husband. I do not want the power to fire my husbands attractive coworkers. I want my husband to have power over his emotions about them. I'm not stupid. I know that he rocognizes he works with pretty women. He can find them pretty. It's allowed. What is not allowed is whether he chooses to do something about it. I often wonder what it is like to do crystal meth. But I have never done it. It's all about him and the choices he makes. He made the promise to be faithfull and love me and HE would be the person breaking that promise. Dr. Knight told his wife he had impure thoughts. They decided to deal with that the way wrong way. They placed the blame on a third party so he wouldn't have to take responsibility.

Okay I am supposed to be blogging about this article not the supreme court case. It's horrible. Horrible. I could not be friends with this woman. Honestly, she seems a little bitter about people who are deemed more attractive than her. I think what bothers me most is that she seems to support the idea that as women, we are in control of how men think of us. Or even how other women see us. She even seems to support the idea that all women (besides ourselves naturally) are evil succubi and we should protect our men from them. Sisterhood? Feminism? Equality? Fairness? Does she know any of these words? Should I stop wearing make up to work so my coworkers wives are more comfortable with my presence? No. I can only be myself in personality or appearance and I shouldn't have to dumb either one down to make other people happy. I'm not going to wear a Burkha so men will be free from my wanton vixenness!

Okay. Feeling calmer.

The Intrepid McKenna's Guide to Coping and Handling Unforeseen Bullshit

Hey snow loving braggarts! I was going to blog today to bring to your attention to the fact that it is 50 and sunny here in Northern California today but something else has been brought to my attention.

Sadness. Snow.

Actually snow and sadness are very much the same thing in my book. It's part of the reason I am happy to be here in Cali where "Winter" means a smidge of frost on your car. But I know it is snowing back home so something sad had to be happening somewhere.

In 2010 we had the first snow 3 days before Thanksgiving. It also happened to be the day my husband was let go from his job of 9 years.  ( Curse you Snow!)

In 2012 we had a huge January shitstorm snowstorm and after being snowed in the house for several days I woke up with out being able to see properly and was subsequently diagnosed with MS. ( A plague on both your houses Snow!)

And now it's December 2012 and the snow is falling again. I am 1100 miles away so the Snow has decided to take another McKenna hostage this year.

I have no advice for the crisis Cousin McKenna is going through. I've never been in a situation like hers, but I do know what I do when a shitstorm snowstorm of shit  snow happens to me. I introduce to you...

The Intrepid McKenna's Guide to Coping and Handling Unforeseen Bullshit ( 1st edition)


Step 1: Wallow
    
     Wallowing is okay. Wallowing is healthy. Wallowing is mental healthy. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When Chris lost his job I gave him a 2 week wallowing period. He was allowed to be day drunk and play video games 24 hours a day. This is a mourning period. Unforeseen Bullshit takes a part of you and it's healthy to mourn that loss.

Step 2: Make a point

     Do something impulsive. Unforeseen Bullshit makes a turning point for you so make a turning point for The Bullshit! This will help you take control of the situation. After my diagnosis I cut off all my hair. MS may have taken hold of my body but I had control of my hair! New Hair = New Me. So get a tattoo. Skydive. Go heads Carolina, tails California.  Eat Fugu. Make your own turning point with something YOU decide to happen.

Step 3: Make a plan

I like to think about how my personal idols would handle my situation. WWDD? WWBD?

What would Dolly do?
     Is there anything Dolly Parton can't do? No. Is there anything she won't do? No. Have people been judging and ridiculing her for years? Yes. Does it slow her down or make her change who she is in any way? Hell no. Dolly Parton is brains. She plays a dozen instruments. She has been married to one man for 48 years. She is the founder of the Imagination Library. She built a theme park in Pigeon Forge Tennessee specifically to create jobs in the dirt poor town she grew up in. If Dolly Parton had lost her job, I like to think she would pack up all of her rhinestones and carry them with her while looking for a new job. She wouldn't hide them and misrepresent herself. While sending out my own resumes this year I sent out pink resumes.  I got a phone call or had an interview with nearly every place I applied to. I turned down two jobs the week I took the job I have.  So what would Dolly do? She would keep her well coiffed head held high while letting you know what you are missing by not having her around. She knows her worth even if you don't.

Step 4: Ask for help

WWBD?

     What would Buffy do?Well Duh! Buffy would kick ass! Always. Yes, Buffy had her emotionally weak moments. We all do. But when it came down to it she made the hard the decisions, executed them, and dealt with the personal repercussions later. The other aspect that makes Buffy Summers worthy of inspiration is that she was never afraid to ask for help. Buffy had a whole team of besties that helped her through every battle she ever had. Where would Buffy be without her Willow? Her Xander? Hell, where would Buffy have been without Spike? So when your personal Hellmouth opens and The First is coming for you, don't be afraid to assemble your Scoobies.

Step 5: Grab your golden lasso

     That's right. You have work to do. You are responsible for your future and you are prepared for it. So pull on those red boots, grab your golden lasso and be the Warrior Princess that you are!


Also, remember to laugh. Laugh through all of it.

Laughter is the best slap in the face to Unforeseen Bullshit. Laughter is the " Hey bitch, you can't bring me down" that Unforeseen Bullshit hates. Laughter is winning.

Cousin McKenna, I haven't any babies. Or kittens. Or toddlers dressed as Darth Vader.
I have nothing to help you with your laughter except pictures of me me doing silly ish.
So I give you this...

If you would also like to wear the pelt of Sam the Eagle Muppet, it's available for sale at your local JC Penney.

 

Namaste

A Thanksgiving Story

Thanksgiving was not easy for me this year.

In a way, I've been spoiled my entire life by having traditional holiday meals with my grandparents. I have divorced parents and I am married so I'm used to having multiple holiday meals but dinner with my grandparents has always been a consistent thing. My grandparents are my favorite people in the world and in 30 years I have never missed a Thanksgiving.

Until this year.

I tried to just not think about Thanksgiving. Like it was going to be any other day. My mother in law was here for the week and I tried to focus on visiting her and not on the fact that she was here for Thanksgiving. I basically pretended I was hosting a dinner party for no reason and focused on buying new plates and matching napkins.

We also ordered our entire Thanksgiving meal from my store. All we had to do was reheat it. It was a terrific idea. The food was good, and we didn't stress about cooking so we could just enjoy each other and visit. And since knowing I would be away from my grandmother was hard enough, I wasn't ready to head into the kitchen and use her recipes. I'm not ready to eat her food without her here.

I had a small cry when I prepared myself to call my grandpa. I had a big cry when he actually answered the phone. We talked for a while and I felt better. I had to compose myself and touch up my make up because Chris and I hosted Thanksgiving this year and we had guests coming over.

Remember my new friend Bodhi?

This is Bodhi Kaimana Sage and he is Chris's cousin. And we may be the loves of each others lives. This is the only picture I have of the two of us. It was taken in February and we were both sick. Normally he has a fabulous mohawk. Bodhi is a 5 year old Buddhist, kindergartner and lover of Spiderman. When he saw me a few weeks ago for the first time in 7 months he quickly told me my hair is a different color and asked me why I wasn't wearing my glasses.  Bodhi, his mother Jeni, his grandmother Trish, his father Mike, and my MIL were our Thanksgiving guests and thanks to Bodhi, my sadness passed. He did make me cry, but it was happy tears.

Here is my Thanksgiving story:

After we all dished up and were seated someone suggested we say grace. As we are not a religious family we all had a little giggle but Bodhi got a very serious look on his face. He put his hand over his heart but was cut off by Chris. Chris naturally had his seat at the head of the table and told us a wonderful story about one of his donor patients. It was a Thanksgiving story that the donors family had told Chris about their loved one. When Chris was done, an impatient looking Bodhi put his hand back over his heart and said " Hey, Hey...". I took notice and motioned for every one else to put their hands over their heart also.

And then Bodhi led us in the Pledge of Allegiance.

I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of America.
And to the republic,
for which it stands,
one nation,
under god,
indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.

His mother looks at him and says "And?"
Bodhi takes his hand off of his heart, places the two together and bows his head.

Namaste

Yes, I teared up when Bodhi led us in the Pledge. I just wanted to keep crying when he capped it off with Namaste. It was a sweet and beautiful moment and it is quite possible my favorite Thanksgiving memory ever already. We let Bodhi start us all off by handing him the puking cow and letting him pour gravy. He doesn't like gravy, but he likes watching the cow puke gravy so he was eager to keep the rest of us in gravy the entire dinner. Then we discussed whether cows can actually puke or not. (The answer is no.)

And so a new tradition is born. Chris and I intend on keeping the practice of saying the Pledge of Allegiance before Thanksgiving dinner alive throughout the years. I think we both really needed something that day to cheer us up. I know that we are both still getting used to being so far from our close family. But we happy for the opportunity to be in Bodhi's life.

Speaking of that crazy kid, he called us on the phone the next day. He just wanted to let me know that he had so much food the day before and had so much fun that he feels "compressed" today. Yep, compressed.

Me: "You feel compressed? When I feel compressed I lie down and take a nap. Maybe you should take a nap."
Bodhi: "Well I was thinking of maybe meditating and just trying to chill out."
Me: "Good call Bodhi. Maybe meditation will help."
Bodhi: "Yeah. Is Chris there too?"
Me: "Yeah but he is doing the ultimate meditation. He's still asleep."
Bodhi: "Oh, okay. 'Bye" Click

So maybe I am not the love of his life. Maybe he is just using me get to Chris. Chris is the BFG after all.

Regardless, happy holidays and namaste.

Duck & Donkey

Okay, Okay...

I know I promised to blog again sooner, but 3 weeks is technically sooner then 6 weeks right?

So let me tell you about election day.

Chris and I made sure we registered to vote but when we received our mail in ballots they curiously said ballots had to be received by election day, not postmarked by election day. So Sunday night we sat down together and researched the 884,562 propositions and measures on the California ballot. We debated the pro and cons and agreed and disagreed and in the end, we voted like Republicans. Yes we voted for President Obama but we voted like republicans in the state and local elections.What we have learned since moving to California is that it is the most over regulated state in the union and it wants to label everything in the state with nothing less then a label that reads:

WARNING: This item you are about to consume has three more interior labels designed to make you terrified of life. Also each one of the labels on this item is adheared with a glue that has been known to cause cancer in .05% of the population and therefore you should live in fear! Mwah hahah!

Okay, so it's not that ridiculous but it feels that way sometimes.

We started our election day by dropping our ballots off at our polling location. I headed to the car and Chris asked if we could walk instead.

Chris: " It just feels right to walk to the polls."

(Did I mention how adorable he is?)

And so began our two man march to the polls.

We got our "I voted" stickers and went home to cook our Turducken feast. Where to start with the Turducken? I have never had Turducken before. I've never had duck before. Ducks are cute and adorable. But so are chickens and cows and I eat them all the time. The Turducken smelled delicious but I was so nervous about eating the duck. What if I liked it? What would that mean? Who would I become if I liked the duck?

We chose Turducken as our election day dinner because we were wondering, "What would liberal elitists eat for dinner?" The answer is obviously eat four kinds of meat in one :) Four antibiotic-free, natural, humanely raised meats in one. In fact I considered stepping it up a notch and sprinkling left over pot roast over the top. FIVE kinds of meat in one? Genius idea right? But we decided that is too garish. That is what republican fat cats would eat in celebration, so we stuck with our original plan.

I staked it with one of our many American flags.

(And only upon uploading this a few minutes ago did I notice that my antique trivet is clear and ironic in this photo.)

I think that I psyched myself out so much about the duck that when I finally ate it, it tasted like nothing. Just like a giant greyish blob of meat product. My "It all tastes like chicken. It all tastes like Chicken" mantra worked. Chris however devoured it and LOVED it. He sang the praises of my coworkers who made the creation and he went back for seconds. He said you can clearly taste all the different flavors because duck is so gamey. When I told my coworker who made it for us, that I didn't care for it he cried " What? How can that be? The duck is so gamey!"

First lesson learned: Duck is gamey.
Second lesson learned: I have superior mind control powers.

 

We paired our Turducken with the most American things we could think of: Bourbon & Apple Pie

 

We picked up that rare bottle of Maker's Mark while we were in Kentucky in September. Maker's White is only sold at the Maker's distillery which we had the opportunity to tour. White whiskey is un oaked whiskey. It's what they call white dog and it is essentially moonshine cut to the legal limit of 90 proof. We tasted it at the distillery and it burned like Tequila at first but was delicious. We had a fabulous time and I got to dip my own bottle! See...

 

 

We saved it for a special occasion and the re-election of our President seemed like a good one. We even created a special drink, The Bronco Bama.

 

The Bronco Bama

 

2 oz. White Whiskey

 

4 oz. Apple Cider

 

2 tsp. Mulling Spices

 

Shake with ice and serve strait up in a martini glass. Garnish with a cinnamon stick, a bald eagle and an air of superiority. Enjoy.

 

 

Okay, I promise I will blog more frequently. I just found out that my work schedule is going to improve and hopefull I will quit fallling asleep at 7 pm. Thanksgiving was very memorable and I can't wait to share it with you. But for today, I have my first Saturday off in 6 weeks and I'm going to go brunch with my husband. Since I leave for work at 4:30am and crawl in bed by 7pm, he misses me dearly too.