Unwell

Last Monday I finally had my second MRI. I was so scared. I made Chris take the day off just to drive me to the appointment and to work afterwards. I thought that I would be mentally prepared having had one before but I was still very tense. I took a Valium about an hour before the appointment to ease some of the stress. Chris was such a trooper. He said I was hilarious but I really can't remember why. I must have said something medicated and awesome.

Having an MRI at Desert Radiology was a completely different experience than at Harrison. The machine is wider and is in the middle of the room, not inside a wall. I really didn't need to medicate myself at all. I didn't have to wear the c-collar either, the neck cage didn't creep me out... Dare I say it was a pleasant experience?

I just felt like such an Ass for making Chris take the day off to drive me around while I was medicated when I didn't need to be medicated. Who knew?

They said Dr. Germin would have the results in 48 hours so I didn't expect a phone call until Friday. Well I never heard from his office so Monday I called them. And I had this conversation:

Me: Hi, My name is Angelina McKenna and I need to schedule an appointment to get the results of my MRI with Dr. Germin.
Them: Okay, let me get you to appointments.

Repeat this conversation 4 more times.

Because apparantly pressing "1 for appointments" on your phone isn't real.

And neither are the first 4 people you get to talk to.

The 5th lady was kind enough to tell me that Dr. Germin won't see me until I have the EMG test. And while it is in the notes that I cancelled that appointment because I didn't think it was medically necessary, she will have to ask Dr. Germin specifically if she can schedule me. Great.

On Tuesday, I get another phone call.

" We see that you wanted to leave a message for Dr. Germin. What was the message?"

Really lady? I've told 6 other people already! I just want to get my results.

" Yes," I say, " I don't want to have the EMG test unless it is medically necessary. Will you please ask the doctor to look at my MRI results and see if I still NEED to have the test or not."


See somewhere along the line I started hoping that Dr. Germin was going to say...

 " Oh we caught this so early! There aren't any lesions on your spine so we don't need to poke you with 500 needles! Your muscles and nerves are fine. Come back in 5 years or take this medication and come back in 10 years!"

But that isn't what happened.

She called back and said yes, it's necessary.

Well shit.

Most days I sort of forget that I have MS. Then something happens and it's a very clear reminder of what I am in for. Currently, it's a lot of tests. I have had an appointment almost every week since I arrived here. I just want to get to the point where we decide what medication I need to take and start it. I feel like that will signify moving forward with all of this and I am strangely anxious for it. All of this hurry up and wait between appointments is killing me.  It will also allow to me deny that this is really happening too I suppose. Because while all of that was happening, I had strange tingling feelings in my right hand. Still do.  In fact, as I type my right middle finger is numb. And I don't want to tell the docs. I don't want to be poked and prodded anymore. But I guess they will find it for themselves on Tuesday because that I when I have the EMG test and nerve conduction study.

And it means the opposite of what I wanted. It means that there is enought evidence on that spinal MRI that he needs to check the level of nerve damage in my arms, legs, hands, and feet.

I wish I could keep my money and just tell him my right hand is tingling and numb. My middle finger is super numb.  My left leg is the one that goes out and makes me trip and stumble. That I have been shocking myself on everything and there was a couple of days it was so bad it made me tear up. I screamed so loud when I took off the gas cap someone came over to see if I was okay.  But I know that this test will help me understand why that is and what can I expect in the future.

To expect the unexpected right? That's what all the literature says. MS is different for everyone and no two people have symptoms the same way. I've been reading MS patient memoirs and there have been several similarities though. Emotions. How every single day you wake up looking for an external thing to control because you know you have no control over yourself. Even for all the days you are in remission, you are just trying not to get your hopes up because relapse can happen anytime. And it's not "When I relapse again I will lose my eyesight." You never know what it is going to be. Eye conditions are just the most common and the one I am familiar with.

I can tell you that I am a spontaneous crier. Last Friday I was driving out to Dr.Vesna's for an appointment and the Matchbox 20 song Unwell came on the radio. Everyone knows that song but the lyrics really hit me this time. It was the first time I had any kind of emotional connection to the song. It's how I feel about myself right now and I how I feel about my future all at once.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I know right now you are cursing me for making you relate that song to me. So I'm going to snap you out of it the same way the universe ended my pity party. 

Imagine driving through a residential neighborhood with apartments on the left side of the road.
Imagine that you are crying and singing along with Unwell when out of the corner of your eye you see a sign tied to a fence.
And the sign says...

We have big units.

No joke. If you don't believe me, ask Leslie. I texted her about it.