A Tale of Two Treadmills

Stage Three of THE PLAN has been implemented.

Exercise.

We are finally back in a regular exercise routine. This includes regular visits at the Las Vegas Athletic Club.

One of the "perks" of joining the LVAC was the ladies only gym. Sounds nice right? A place where I can go work out and sweat in my sweaty sweat pants with other sweaty broads in sweaty sweat pants while we listen to Sweatin' to the Oldies.

I was under the illusion that this would be a section of the gym where the rest of us oldies and fatties were segregated. Free from the lowered self esteem of ellipticalling next to 110 lbs of perky. Free from the thoughts that we are about to get bench pressed by 250 lbs of spray tanned guido.  Free from working out in front of no fewer then 15 televisions playing sports. ( Seriously, the cardio room looks like it should come with lauch codes there are so many screens.)

But I wasn't prepared for what was in store...

Pastels.

From the sea foam green walls to the lavender and white strength training equipment.

The three televisions playing MTV, Fox News, and Lifetime.

The Mariah Carey playing overhead.

I thought I could deal with this. I blamed the gym for stereotyping women. Clearly some muscled men in tank tops sat around a table and discussed what they think women like.

 Purple. Scented stuff. Lifetime Movies. Cool jams. Pink 1 lb weights.

(These guys should run for congress because clearly they know more about women then women themselves and could draft some really awesome legislation. Ha!)

So I got on the treadmill, turned on Pinky MciPod and .... crap.

I forgot that the last time I used Pinky MciPod was during my infusions in January and it no longer contained Angelina's Totally Radical McWork Out Mix. Instead it was playing  The Tobolowsky Files podcast about open heart surgery. Not exactly what I wanted to listen to. Especially since it reminds me of those fatefull days in January. So I unplugged and focused on what was going on around me.

And thats when I noticed something that made me embarrassed to be a female.

5 women were reading 50 Shades of Grey. You know you know what book I am talking about. Now yes, I do not-so-silently judge people who think that is a "good" book. I was very interested when I first heard about it and read the sample Kindle chapters before I purchased. And thank goodness for that! That was one of the worst chapters of anything I have ever read. It was so dull and Anastasia is stupid. Her inner monologues were boring! My inner monologues are quite pithy and I just didn't identify with the character at all. Plus, there is nothing sexy about discussing vice grips and clamps at the hardware store. Nothing.

I take that back. While typing that I had a mental image of Joe Manganiello in a tool belt discussing vice grips and clamps at the hardware store. But I digress...

So here is my problem. I'm not trying to be judgy about people who read crappy books. I'm being judgy because I dont' think these women would be reading crappy erotica on the equipment in the public part of the gym.  And 3 of these women were on cardio equipment but two of them were on strength training machines. Specifically the one where you spread your thighs open and close to resistance. You get where I am going with this?

I watched this women for the full 30 minutes I was on the treadmill. Opening closing opening closing. Stoping to turn the page.Opening closing opening closing. Then she would get to a good part and stop opening closing opening closing all together because she was so engrossed in the book. Then she would start up again. The other lady was laying on her stomach bending her knees up to her butt. Seemingly inconsistantly but probably to the rhythm of the chapter so to speak.

This is so inconsiderate! 30 minutes hogging a machine! What if another lady wanted to use it? You know, as part of a healthy workout? And is it just me or do you find this whole reading erotica at the gym thing highly unsanitary? Had the opener closer vacated the machine before I left I would never have used it! There are no amount of paper towels and sanitizer that will make me feel that it is clean of strangers. None.

Am I just being neurotic? Or are you horrified by this too? If you don't know about the 50 Shades of Grey book I am not linking it here. I do not promote it. I do however promote this Blog about it, http://lucysfootball.com/2012/06/14/truly-i-am-a-marionette-and-he-is-a-master-puppeteer/. In fact I promote her entire blog! Read it! But this post will tell you exactly what 50 Shades is about. And why you shouldn't read it.

And in other 50 Shades of Sad-for-culture news, this happened at Target yesterday.

Target Lady: Well this book has a pretty cover. What is this? A Clockwork Prince? What is it about?

Me: Oh it's set in victorian England. Do you know what Steampunk is?

Target Lady: Ooooh. Is it steamy?

Me: Not really. I mean it Steampunk so there would be steam and cogs and clockwork and stuff. It's about some teenagers trying to stop a clockwork army.

Target: Ooooh.. So it not about steamy punks? Like that 50 Shades book? Is it steamy like that?

Me: No. Have a nice day.