Thirty One

Earlier this month, I turned 31. It freaked me out for about a week prior. The whole realization that 30 was over.... ick. And here is why...

I'm no longer 30. I'm IN my 30's.

I was on an edge, now I'm completely, undeniably thirtysomething.

(Thirty-ish?)

( I think I like that better.)

I think all the hype about turning 30 comes from the expectations we give ourselves when are younger. Expectations about the things we will do when we are adults. Because when you are 30, you are clearly an adult ( or so you think when you are 18 -24). So when we see ourselves reach that line, we panic, we withdraw, we deny. We dust off these mental lists from 10 years ago and realize we haven't made any progress.

 " I'm such a failure! 30 can't be happening! I never backpacked through Europe. I never followed Hoobastank on a North American tour! I haven't read Lady Chatterly's Lover! I don't have 1.5 kids! I never went to Lake Havasu for MTV Spring Break! I still don't know who let the dogs out!!!".

Maybe somewhere along the way we should have updated our lists? Maybe we do. Maybe that's why 40 freaks everyone out also. Because we realized we haven't completed our second chance list?

I'm sure you twenty somethings are rolling your eyes at me. And I'm sure you forty somethings are rolling your eyes at me too. Old People. Young Bucks. We are one and the same.

But here is what the surprise was for me while I aged between 30 and 31.

The aging.

The god damn aging.

I had no idea that your 30's require so much maintenance! I really thought it was optional. Or only for the vain. And I suppose ultimately it is optional and that some of it is just for the vain. And maybe it is because I shy away from those hateful women's magazines but I didn't know any of this.

(Is being out of touch with these modern realities a sign of aging too? If it is, I'm screwed.)

I HAD TO PURCHASE AGE DEFYING CONCEALER.
 I say "had to" because the dark circles under my eyes are no joke. And trust me, I sleep 7 to 8 hours every night. Lack of sleep is not the problem.

UPON APPLYING SAID CONCEALER, I REALIZED MY EYE SKIN DOESN'T BOUNCE BACK THE WAY IT USED TO.
 Fuck. Gross. See you later elasticity. I never liked you anyway.

( no seriously, please come back. I miss you.)

ONE DAY, CHRIS LOOKED OVER AND SAID " YOU HAVE CUTE LITTLE CROW'S FEET."
I would hate him but he is right. Maybe I hate him for being right.

I HAVE A VERICOSE VEIN ON MY FOOT.

MY BOOBS ARE NO LONGER ON THE UPPER THIRD OF MY CHEST.
Not entirely true. One of them is.

I CARRY A $20 TUBE OF DRY SKIN CREAM IN MY PURSE AT ALL TIMES.
And I apply it everyday because I will look like a dragon if I don't.

I TAKE 6 VITAMINS A DAY. I CARRY THEM IN MY PURSE. ALONG WITH PAIN MEDICATIONS.
Because I have enough pains that I always need to be prepared for them? Sad truth.

A MONTHLY MASSAGE IS NO LONGER A SPLURGE, IT'S A NECESSITY.
Same goes for Chiropractic.

THE GYNOCOLOGIST TOLD ME I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
Die bitch, die.

I HAVE A FLEX SPENDING ACCOUNT.
Two years ago I didn't even know what this was.

I SPENT $27 ON A CONCEALER CALLED ERASE PASTE.
It's the only thing thick enough to cover my broken capillaries. Yep, broken capillaries. Ew.

MY USE THE  TOOTHPASTE SOLD BY THE ELDERLY PEOPLE IN SENSODYNE COMMERCIALS.
Pronamel Whitening. I have way too much enamel erosion.

I want to clarify that I am not complaining about any of this. It has just been alot to absorb. I expected all this stuff to happen when I became an adult. You know, after I had 1.5 kids, paid property taxes, went on a Carnival cruise and other adult things. And I plan on doing nothing about any of it. Nothing. No Botox, no Restalyne, no surgeries or procedures. De nada. Zero. Nothing.

I plan on aging gracefully. So I apply hempseed hand protector generously. I use a day cream and a night cream. I SPF myself to death. I swallow 6 vitamins a day and my nails grow strong and white. I brush and floss twice a day. And I will confess to you my most revolutionary secret. Seriously.This one gets gasps. Are you ready?

I quit coloring my hair.

Yep.

September was the last time I colored it and I had them try to match it as close as possible to my roots. It has been nearly 8 months.

I have grey hair too. Quite a bit for my age. I like it. Liking my grey hair was the biggest bit in learning to let go of hair color. I look forward to having long pretty grey hair. I never want to be in that awkward phase of grey roots and colored hair and than having to cut my hair old lady short in order to get rid of it. Not this girl.  My hair stylist is horrorfied. To the point of asking me everytime I see her if I am ready to change my mind. It's getting annoying. She called other stylists over one time and tugged at my curls and said" She's letting them grey. She's giving up the color." They were stunned. Who knows how I will feel about this later. But right now it feels really good.

And on my off days I choose to think of my hair as turning California blonde. Because the hair isn't grey, it's white.

Well it's 8:30 now. Time to go brush, floss, wash, exfoliate, and tone. I will brush my hair, tweeze my loose brow hairs, and rub coconut oil on my elbows and ankles. I will pour a glass of wine and try to finish my book but I will probably just fall asleep. C'est la vie.