Number One

I am Number One.
I am Number One.
I am Number One.

I have to write this down or start repeating it aloud so I can believe it.

Well that's not entirely true. I believe it. I just don't always remember that I believe it.

These last few weeks have been a little rough. I have worked 16 of the last 19 days in long stretches.

All starting at 6am :(

It's my fault. I don't know how to say no. I have stupidly strong desire to prove to others I can do anything. Worse than that, I have an even more stupid desire to prove to myself that I can do anything still. And it's just not true.

I recognize where my limitations are. I just ignore them.

I find myself stacking boxes and singing Jason Aldean songs to myself. The Only Way I Know is my power song. It's the mantra is repeat, which is great but sometimes I think Aldean himself would put a boot in my ass for it.

That’s the only way I know
Don’t stop till everything’s gone
Straight ahead never turn round
Don’t back up, don’t back down
Full throttle wide open
You get tired, you don’t show it
Dig a little deeper when you think you can’t dig no more
That’s the only way I know

But stress is a trigger for my MS symptoms. And I constantly ignore that because stress is the salt of life. It's always present, you just need to be careful about how much more you add.

But here's the skinny, I have been having periods of vertigo. They are fleeting and more annoying than anything but they are there. I can mind over matter them to the point that when I feel like I am spinning, I don't panic. I know that I will stay upright when I am at work because there is usually a table in front of me. But last Monday at the grocery store I started reaching around for Chris in a panic. These are almost always followed by a headache.

Last Tuesday I experience my first MS Hug. Who ever named this was accurate that it is like being hugged by a MonSter. I was heading into the freezer for some bread dough and luckily I was not holding a 45 lb. box or on a ladder. I was just standing there looking for the specific dough when I got a shooting pain in the base of my spine up to my rib cage. Then it felt like my rib cage was caving in and squishing everything inside. One second I was upright and the next I was bent in half moaning. I'm glad I was alone in the freezer because this would have freaked out my coworkers who I have no idea I have MS. The pain passes quick enough although it felt like forever. Then for the rest of the day I felt like my head was full of gas. Like it was floating in the air and only loosely connected to my neck. I had to ask for clarification and directions several times because I was instantly forgetting them. But considering what my body went through was akin to having a small seizure in a matter of seconds I woke up the next day feeling like I had been hit by a car. I was smart enough to tell my boss that I wasn't doing any heavy lifting that day. I didn't want to make things worse, I had still had 6 days of work to get through.

But yesterday was the worst. It was day 7 of my 7 day stretch and I was dead on my feet. On any given day I have the cog fog but yesterday was the worst it has been. Ever.

I had to clock in at 5 am to do inventory with my boss, (who knows BTW). I was good for awhile but but 10 am I was headed to my lunch hour and I crossed paths with my ASM who was just coming back from hers and this is what I said:

Me: " Do feel like getting a chicken?"
Her: "What? No."
Me: "I'm so tired that is not what I meant. I mean, do you feel like you are getting a chicken?"
Her: Laughing at me. " Um no. Why are you asking me this?"
Me: " This is not what I mean. Hold on, I will say the right words. I mean to say since we think it is cold out, do you feel like a chicken?"
Uncontrollable laughter is coming from both of us because this is not what I meant to say again. But I am really frustrated with myself at this point.
Her: " I don't know what you are taking about. Do chickens not like the cold?"
Me: Finally forming the almost correct words. " No, I mean because are both from colder climates and now we both think it is cold at 55 degrees. It's because we are like chickens."
??????????

I can't even explain that. I was trying to convey that since we are both from colder climates ( WA and IL) and we shouldn't think we are cold when it is 55 out. But now we both do and that makes us sissies/weinies etc. but somehow I was all about the chicken. It was awkward.

But nothing compares to the end. I was dead on my feet and although I kept telling my boss " I'm fine. I'm fine." She knew better then to believe me. I told her in the beginning I didnt want to be treated differently then anyone else but she called me out on it. I'm not sure how much gibberish I was saying to alert her. I don't remember much but the chicken conversation. After I punched out for the day I went to get my purse and sweater from the lockers and realized I was thirsty. I promptly walked into the ladies room, turned on the water, and whacked my head on the faucett. Everyone in the breakroom heard me scream and curse. It was not the water fountain I thought it was. I realized that upon whacking my head. Time to get in my car and drive home. Which in retrospect I shouldn't have done.

The last few days have given me pause about how I am abusing myself. Because I really am doing this to myself. No one is forcing me to go work overtime. No one is hiding my vitamins from me, I'm simply just not making it a priority to take them. No one beside me is making me skip Yoga class to stay home and watch Pretty Little Liars. I have no social life and haven't made any friends because I am constantly staying home and avoiding social activities. But that all changes today.

4 days ago I deleted the Facebook app from my phone. I have decided to be more present in my own life and less involved in what all of you are doing. Don't be offended. I've just come to the realization that I can enjoy my life more if I spend more time living it.

5 days ago I asked one of my coworkers if she wanted to go bowling. She gave me her number previously and said we should hang out sometime but I haven't been up to it until now. Chris and I are going bowling with she and her girlfriend and I am pretty excited. I didn't know she just recently moved here too. I thought she was a local but we are both in the same friendless boat.

And today I am starting my clean slate with myself. I wrote down the water aerobics and yoga class schedule in my planner so I can remind myself to exercise and do social activities. I am off work today and my very leisurely schedule consists of...

10:15 Yoga
4:00 Haircut and EyeBrow Wax
6:00 Hour long Swedish Massage :)

Somewhere in there I am going to shop for fruit and veggies because I need to start regularly drinking my smoothies again. As well as try to find a recomendation for a chiropractor.

I told my bosses that no matter what happens at work this week I am not coming in extra. No way. Call me and I will say no. I told them I am literally making myself sick covering for other people. I have to remind myself that the overtime is not worth my health. (Especially since California takes most of it in taxes anyway.)

Also, I would like some feedback on this....

I miss my Las Vegas tan. I was never goldeny bronze but I am pale now. And when I feel sick and look in the mirror I see how pale I am and than I am grossed out by myself. The bags around my eyes are so much clearer. I have been considering buying a couple of tanning sessions to get some color back on me and maybe boost my self-esteem a bit? You know I am never going to be an orange snookie monster but I don't feel like summer is coming fast enough for me to do this the old fashion way. Thoughts?


 Off to Yoga now.... Namaste :)